I miss our baby . . .
I’ve settled into the sovereignty of God and found peace and purpose in his way, but every now and then a wave of grief washes over me and I wonder what life would be like had our child continued to grow in me.
I would be 32 weeks pregnant (today)- yes, I still count . . . and look at baby names and ultrasounds and feel ghost kicks in my belly.
It’s not easy letting go, at least for me.
Our kids would be 16 months apart; that number burns in my heart. It seems I meet mothers everywhere (even one tonight) whose children are spaced identically to what ours would have been. The loss feels heavy in those moments.
I realize Jonah is still a baby and adding another so soon would be grueling. From the outside looking in, it likely seems God spared us from a burdensome situation, but from the moment I saw those two pink lines on that little white stick (the one still in my bathroom drawer) I loved that child. I wanted him to live, to laugh, to share our home. I didn’t care what it required of me. I was willing to give and sacrifice anything . . . everything. . .
But he slipped from me.
I still blame myself for not being able to sustain his life. I feel broken, like something is wrong with my body . . . perhaps my hormones or thyroid. Or like I could have prevented it. . . maybe the cheap vitamin I chose to take was toxic or I should have weaned Jonah right away. I know that ultimately God is the creator and sustainer of life. His will and way prevails over us, but I cannot shake this carnal wrestling.
My birthday (June 30th) marks the due date of our baby. I wonder if things will change in my heart when that day comes and goes, if I'll finally accept our loss and stop entertaining the “what ifs” and “should have beens.” Maybe it will bring a fresh perspective that entirely frees me from this pain. But for tonight, I ache. I question. I count. And remember the life that was and could have been . . .
Oh Jess, I echo your thoughts. There are many days when I too miss our little one. Her (we really believe in our hearts it was a girl), due date was March 8. . . Jonah's birthday :) When he was born, I felt so many emotions. Joy for you, but pain at the celebration we were missing - she would've been three.
ReplyDeleteI too thought for many days there was something wrong with me. . . could I have eaten better, exercised more, less stress from school, better vitamins, on and on. . .
Only through God's comfort, peace, and Sovereignty did my self-blame eventually dissolve. He chose to give and take away. Michael and I are still so unsure of the Divine purpose in our sorrow, but know that it was an intricate and needed event as we journey our santification by the Holy Spirit.
I will say that some of our sorrow faded when we saw the sweet heartbeat of our precious Cole. I was thrilled that the Lord had chosen to bless my womb, but traces of anxiety lingered until he was resting in my arms.
We are hoping to add another to our family very soon, and it seems that the fears of past events continue to remain. Although we may be afraid, we know that the Lord's way toward us is GOOD, that He will guide us, direct our paths, and carry us if need be through the days ahead.
You are in my prayers dear friend. . .
Jessica...I think of you often...and like I mentioned before cannot begin to fathom the depth of your pain or loss...
ReplyDeleteI have a poem I found years ago and I thought maybe i would share it with you...
Heaven's Nursery
In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.
The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.
The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.
These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.
The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, t heir arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.
Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.
They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit
Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.
So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.
Thanks for sharing this. Glad your writing again! You will always remember your baby. I heard someone say recently about loss..."it's going to hurt...it's going to hurt bad...your going to remember until one day you only remember a little and it's only hurts a little..." Not well spoken but pretty true. The first year was the hardest with our loss. The due date was rough...especially when those mothers around me who were due at the same time had there babies and I didn't. And the anniversary of when I found out (Ryans birthday) was a little uncomfortable for me. But as time passes I do think less about it, sadly enough. It had been a while since I had thought about and then I saw a picture of a baby that was due around the time mine would of been and I really yerned for those chubby thighs in my life :) There is a fear that there is something wrong with me and when we decide to continue our family, I will be terrified after the stick says yes. Or terrified if it says no....Can I have more? Will I loose it? Questions that haunt the mothers who have angels in heaven...You are not alone, dear friend.
ReplyDelete