Self-Absorbtion

Three housebound days, and I’m on edge. I’m not angry, just tense, frustrated and exhausted. I don’t do well confined to close quarters. I need a change of scenery and stimuli. I’m relatively sure Jonah inherited my restlessness; either that or he’s easily influenced by my mood. Poor Allen. It must be difficult living with us on days like this, with all our outward displays of inner turmoil.

I wrote the previous paragraph yesterday afternoon and this morning I’m deeply convicted. It seems the footage and photos from this weekends flood are endlessly surfacing as well as reports of devastating loss. Thousands are displaced (with no insurance to rebuild), dozens dead and I- in all my selfishness- could think only of my own temporal discomfort. No one in our home was injured; none of our belongings were even remotely damaged. We were entirely spared, and yesterday- instead of being grateful for a home to be “housebound” to and the company of my husband and son, I moped around feeling suffocated.

I am sickened by my seemingly innate self-absorption. I call myself a woman of God and say I have a heart for humanity, but when I assess my motives and actions it all too often seems there are clauses to my compassion. I am not quick to rearrange my agenda or release my creature comforts to help those in desperate need.

When will God’s heart overtake me? When will his ache for humanity grip me so powerfully that I cannot resist the notion to serve and assist others? When will I relinquish my self-centered agenda?

I am inwardly compelled, even as I confess, to identify areas of need around me and do something- anything- to ease the distress of another, even a stranger. Perhaps this compulsion is instigated by a conscience that needs pacified or an ego that needs appeased, but I pray it’s deeper than that. I pray this is the movement of the Holy Spirit within, seeking to rearrange and sanctify my wayward soul, refine my carnal tendencies and make me more like Christ.