There is freedom in exposure and power in written word.
I have found that documenting the seemingly mundane occurrences of ordinary days mystically unlocks the riches buried within them. Our lives are masterpieces, mosaics; Divinely composed of single moments- some dark and ominous, others bright and sparkling with promise- each working together to bring about a unique and extraordinary design. We are fashioned with purpose as unique expressions of God to our world. This is my attempt to illuminate and celebrate the various shades of the mosaic of my life.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


I aspired to become a “Babywise” mom while Jonah was in the womb. I read the book aloud to Allen a chapter-at-a-time during short commutes around town in an attempt to prepare for the challenge of parenting. Though at times we questioned the rigidity of Dr. Ezzo’s theory, the structure, predictability and control appealed to us. We genuinely believed we’d have no trouble instituting the suggested boundaries and strictly guiding our son’s schedule.

I smile as I reflect on the naivety of those days and assess our way with Jonah. I am far from scheduled and ridged. I am soft and responsive (those who know me well would likely add “overly”). I look nothing like the book said I should. I have entirely missed the mark- at least by Ezzo’s standards.

I am learning to accept that I am not (and never will be) a “Babywise” mom. I have entirely (albeit instinctively) subscribed to an attachment parenting philosophy. Jonah was in my arms, on my boob or strapped to my body for the first several months of his life. He has nursed on demand (around the clock) for 14 ½ months. He sleeps in a crib two feet from my pillow and often (almost nightly) finagles his way into our bed. I jump at his cry. I have on occasion attempted the “cry-it-out” method, exercising my authority, and it typically lasts all of three minutes before I cave.

Why am I sharing this? It feels a bit like a confession- like I am exposing some shameful shortcoming. The internal accusations and guilt we wrestle as mothers is maddening at times- continuously questioning whether the things we’re doing (or not doing) are causing irreparable damage to our children.

My parenting philosophy is dominant in my thoughts tonight because the topic of weaning surfaced in a conversation today (as it has countless times in the past few months). Every time it does I cringe as it is an area that boldly declares my un-Ezzoish ways! Though society says I should be ready and I often agree, settling into the idea and committing to the process has been more difficult than I ever imagined, and I’m not exactly sure why.

Perhaps I too highly revere the exclusive and intimate nature of nursing. Maybe I fear the loss of the bond it cultivates between Jonah and I or dread the inevitable tension and tears. Maybe we’re codependent, I need to needed and this is the only thing I have to offer that no one else can. Perhaps I view weaning as a substantial sign that my “baby” is no more and I resist letting go or simply have difficulty justifying cutting him off from nutrients and immunities that he craves. Quite possibly I fear my attachment philosophy has created a nursing-addict and Jonah’s feening coupled with my tenderheartedness is a recipe for failure . . .

Whatever it is, the resistance I feel toward the process is undeniable. So what do I do?? It seems I may need to seek the assistance of a professional to identify, mull over and gain freedom from the mental and emotional turmoil surrounding this decision. I’m a wreck!

I welcome advice from all of you seasoned mothers out there . . . Please impart your wisdom!


  1. I am not a seasoned mother but more in your shoes. My baby is almost 11 months and I cringe at the thought of weaning too. She nurses about 4-6 times a day and sleeps 12 hours at night in her own room though. I read baby wise and learned from it but didn't do the strict scheduling. Just tried to take some of the principles from it. I think this is what has kept me saine. Still getting up throughout the night would be hard on me to still be doing every night. I think it's good to continue nursing as long as you want really. Unless you feel like you want to, but it's too much to keep up with if he's still nursing on demand often. I guess I'm not much help here, but to say I understand and it's okay. Definitely do not feel guilty. You are loving him and taking awesome care of him and you will never regret that!

  2. Jessica you are an amazing mommy. Their is no right or wrong way. It's all up to you. I hardly think that anything you could do to that boy would ever harm his future in any way:) He is getting so much love from you and Allen.

    The only thing I can add is that stopping at 13 months did not change Jude's attachment of me one bit! He still wants me as soon as he wakes, for every moment of weakness, and every sleepy moment. He still bypasses everyone else to run to mommy:) He still wants me near when he drinks his milk from a cup. I stopped because I knew it was time even though my heart ached at the thought of any specific breastfeeding moment to be the last. Two weeks later though all that sadness was gone and I sincerely felt as though I was enjoying him more and in different ways than when I had been nursing him in the most recent months. Even though you can't see that you would want it, there is a freedom that comes with it. That freedom allowed me to love him even more deeply because it was another accomplishment we had tackled together! And I was proud of him for growing big and drinking his milk all by himself!

    If you are like me, you will know when it is time. It may be now or it may be when he is 2:) It is all up to you mommy!