The birth of Jack and Caleb triggered in me an unexpected flood of recollection. Seeing their fragile bodies lying bare on tiny tables, Caleb’s wires and monitors and oxygen, jolted my heart and filled me with remembrance of our first days with Jonah- the joy and fulfillment of uniting with the life that had been one with me for so long and the fear and concern that gripped me in the face of unexpected complications. The ache I had to protect Jonah, to be his strength and comfort and advocate was more intense than any compulsion I’d ever known. It was quite overwhelming. I remember the seemingly endless adrenaline rush that peaked my senses for days. I couldn’t sleep; I felt that if I did, he’d die; like he needed me to be 100% alert and attentive to him at all times.
After several days of this mad and dizzying state, I broke. That night is so vivid in my mind . . . the flood of tears I couldn’t restrain, the desperation I felt to rest and my body’s inability to do so. My mother-n-law sensed how weary I had become and offered to take me to her place to recoup overnight. I had such a sick feeling in my stomach leaving Allen and Jonah at the hospital, but I will never forget the tranquility I experienced alone with God in my in-laws guest bedroom. Divine peace and rest settled on me differently than it ever has. I released Jonah as I laid in the darkness and accepted that he was God’s. I sensed a whisper in the spirit, “I am the creator AND sustainer of life.” The pressure and urgency I felt in days prior was lifted as that revelation settled into me. Though Jonah’s life had been entrusted to me, God was still on the scene. He was intimately united with and invested in my son. I could trust him to remain. He was at work in Jonah’s fragile body, nurturing him in ways far beyond my capability.
It is my prayer that the revelation that reached me (and resurfaces over and over on this journey with Jonah) would thunder in Molly and Kyle. May the hope and peace and sustaining power of God be real to them in these days. . .